I Shouldn't Have Let Them In ...
Betrayal and a new perspective on consent.
Upcoming workshops:
Medicine Wheel: Your Archetypes in Nature’s Cycles starts 3/6
Dream Interpretation on 4/3
Find Your Spirit Animal on 5/15
Stacey is presenting in the Spiritual Directors International “The Flourishing Spiritual Companion - Cultivating and Aligning Our Money, Purpose, Well-Being” series on 2/10. Use coupon code SDI50.
We know so little about giving and receiving consent in relationship. Wild animals are far more intelligent than us in this.
Befriending a wild animal is a sacred act. A few minutes in the company of a hawk perched overhead. A pause in the forest meeting a doe’s stare. Sitting next to a songbird. Everyone has these moments. Moments of stillness in communion with the wild ones. Moments when permission is granted before it evaporates and they are gone. We look back wondering how the magic came to be.
I’ve had the privilege of helping gentle a few wild mustangs. They are beautiful and powerful beings that don’t have to go along with what we ask. My own need to touch them tempted me to cross boundaries. When I pushed the envelope, they would leave. Mustangs don’t dole out permission to approach lightly.
In learning how to receive consent from a mustang, I realized how warped my (and humanity’s) relationship with consent is. Years later, the unpacking continues.
I Shouldn’t Have Let Them In . . .
What happens when someone betrays you? When they lie or treat you unkindly, do you say, “I shouldn’t have let them in”?
Here is the most important question: When you let them into your life and your heart, when you put your trust in them, was your consent true?
When we blame ourselves for a betrayal that wasn’t our fault, we undermine our faith in ourselves. This is a twisted sense of independence, to say that I’m responsible for someone hurting me. It sounds empowered, but is profoundly disempowering.
What is Consent?
In the big picture, consent is deciding we want to be in relationship with someone at all. It is the decision to open your heart to them. On a day to day basis, consent happens when we agree to have lunch together, respond to a text, or give someone a ride.
Let’s talk about consent beyond the confines of a sexual relationship and into the broader field of relationship. I’m talking about friendships, about family relationships, and about romantic relationships outside of the bedroom. We can call this relational consent instead of the more specific field of sexual consent.
True Consent has 4 Components:
1. Being Well Informed
First, consent is only possible when we are WELL INFORMED. That’s right. When you entered into relationship with this other human, did they share with you their honest intentions and insecurities? Heck. Did they tell you the truth?
If there were any lies or secrets kept, this changes everything. You were not well informed. You did not have all of the information you needed to make a smart decision about your heart’s safety.